Ordinary human love originates in the irresponsible perspective of wanting to be loved. We focus on consuming love. We go around in love scarcity, looking for someone to love us. We live in the childhood longing to have our unmet childhood needs finally fulfilled. When someone appears to be fulfilling our needs, and we say to them “I love you,” what we actually mean is, “I need you to keep fulfilling my needs. I want to own you. I have to have you. I want to possess you and control you so that you keep taking care of me.” We conclude that if someone is fulfilling our needs then they apparently love us and we apparently love them.
The ordinary definition of love meaning “an exchange of need-fulfillment” gets shaky when we start asking what is meant by the term “need.” Specifically, which aspect of our psychology, emotionality, personality, or habitual thinking patterns is speaking for us in the moment that we claim to have a need? What is really a need? Is it something that feels normal to us, like “I need you to put salt in the potatoes”? Is it something to make us comfortable, like “I need you to drive faster”? Is it a physical “need,” like “I need to pee”? Or is it more of a preference, like “I need a hug”? Is it fulfilling an expectation? Agreeing with an opinion? Reacting from old fears? Love entangled with needs gets very messy.
Extraordinary human love is a different agreement with life than maneuvering to have other people take care of us and fulfill our needs. In Extraordinary human relationship we are responsible Adults who take care of getting our own needs met.
Ordinary human love is like a paint-by-the-numbers kit that we got from our parents for a birthday gift. Extraordinary human love is a blank canvas with an easel, professional-quality brushes, and a full set of colors that we have bought for ourselves. The empty canvas is a true laboratory for experimenting with extraordinary human love.
Ordinary human love depends on the evidence of love (“He says ‘I love you’ to me every night before he goes to sleep”), or the experience of love (“I feel overwhelming joy every time I see her”). Ordinary human love is conditional. In comparison, extraordinary human love has no conditions. Instead, extraordinary human love is the condition.
In Extraordinary human love a person may have neither the evidence for love nor the experience of being loved, and yet still be in love. An Adult man or woman takes responsibility for realizing that love does not come from somebody else. Love comes from you.
Extraordinary human love is like this: You experience love when you love. You no longer wait around for love to happen. You walk around in a self-caused field of love. There is no lack of love because no matter where you go love happens. Love is not scarce, something you look for or try to find. Love is abundantly there because you are there. Love is the playing field that you create and sustain for your relationships to unfold into. The whole twenty-four hours are about making love because you are a love maker. With your partner, your colleagues, your children or your friends you have love for no reason, love without cause. Your relationships happen not so you might find love; they happen because you are already in the space of love, and you are the “space holder” for this love happening. Love is not an ideal or a fantasy. Love is the way. “I love you” is a declaration. Love exists because you say it exists.
In Extraordinary human relationship if you are not happy it is not the other person’s fault. If you are not happy it is because you have not taken care of yourself to be happy. Taking care of yourself to be happy is Adult responsibility. In Extraordinary human relationship your own happiness is a gift that you make and bring to your partner to share with them.